1st part of ZOOmbies - the screenplay

ZOOmbies

(c) Zombie Squiggs

INT. CLIVE'S LIVING ROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT.

The room is littered with empty beer cans, takeaway boxes and general ladish debris.

Clive & Derek, both in their mid to late twenties, are drinking straight from vodka bottles and throwing darts at a picture of Clive's ex which is taped to a dartboard.

They are singing along to the stereo.

DEREK & CLIVE
(singing)
"Where it began
I can't begin to knowin'"

CUT TO -

EXT. A DESERTED STREET.

Four students, Neville, Nigel, Norman & Neal are walking along the street.

NEVILLE
(Pointing at hole in road, surrounded by traffic cones)
Hey look!

NIGEL
(firmly)
NO!

NEVILLE
No what?

NIGEL
No, we are not putting those traffic cones on our heads.

NEVILLE
Come on, it'll be fun.

NIGEL
It's never fun. It's always an embarrassment.

CUT TO -

INT. CLIVE'S LIVING ROOM.

DEREK & CLIVE
(singing)
Hands, touching hands

The clasp hands together.

DEREK & CLIVE (CONT'D)
(singing)
Reaching out

They stretch their arms out.

DEREK & CLIVE (CONT'D)
(singing)
Touching me

They cup their genitals

DEREK & CLIVE (CONT'D)
(singing)
Touching you

Derek grabs Clive's genitals.

CLIVE
Do that again and I'll kill you.

DEREK
Sorry. The music took me to places I didn't want to go.

DEREK & CLIVE
(singing faster to catch up with the song)
Sweet Caroline
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined

CUT TO -

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM.

Brian is playing on his console and is shooting zombies on the screen with a plastic gun. He obviously lives next door to Clive as their singing is clearly heard through the walls.

Brian is obviously a fan of zombies, having several posters of zombie films plastered on his bedroom wall. Brian in his early thirties.

Brian's bed is a four poster bed encased in a plastic cube.

He expertly blasts wave after wave of zombies with apparent ease.

BRIAN
(after each shot)
Blam! Blam! Kerpow!
You are well slotted, you zombie fucks!

Suddenly onscreen a zombie rhino charges straight at him.

BRIAN
What the fucking fuck?

Brian's onscreen character is gored by the rhino and dies.

BRIAN
No fucking way. There was no fucking mentions of fucking zombie rhino's in the fucking guide.

BRIAN
(shouting at the wall)
Shut the fuck up! Some of us are getting ready for fucking bed.

CUT TO -

INT. CLIVE'S LIVING ROOM.

DEREK
(shouting back)
Shut up yourself, virgin boy.

CUT TO -

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM.

BRIAN
Fucking charming.

CUT TO -

EXT. THE STREET.

Neville, Norman & Neal are wearing traffic cones as hats and have made the warning lights into makeshift codpieces.

NIGEL
Congratulations. You've outdone yourselves in the "looking like an utter wanker" stakes.

NEVILLE
Where's your sense of fun?

NIGEL
Fun? Fun is not looking like an dick. Fun is not looking like the sort of person who wears comedy socks. Fun is not looking like the sort of person who constantly has to say "I'm mental, me" when they really mean "I'm a sad act, me". Fun is not looking like Grade A Minge Repellent. Fun is looking like someone who doesn't ask a girl her World Of Warcraft name within five seconds of meeting her. Fun is asking for a lager in a bar instead of "fizzy beer". Fun is not putting on a robot voice and saying "Does Not Compute" when you don't fucking understand something.

NORMAN
Ah come on. You'll look like odd one out when we get back the Halls.

NIGEL
Oh, alright then.

CUT TO -

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM.

Brian has changed for bed. He is wearing pjamas decorated with images of zombie heads. He packs his console away, humming the tune of "Sweet Caroline". He then lifts an oxegen tank out of his wardrobe and attaches a tube from it to the side of the plastic sheeting next to his bed. He turns the oxegen on and enters his bed via a zipped entrance. He zips his bed cube shut and lifts up a xeroxed Zombie Survival Guide to read inside his enclosure.

CUT TO -

INT. CLIVE'S LIVING ROOM

CLIVE
(rather more drunk than before)
I'm gonna phone her.

DEREK
(even drunker)
Don't. You don't want her to think you're a stalking cunt.

CLIVE
What if she thinks I'm an ignorant cunt?

DEREK
She's already told Cheryl you're stalking her.

CLIVE
What?

DEREK
She said she went for a pint of milk and met you outside the corner shop.

CLIVE
So I'm not allowed to go to the corner shop?

DEREK
I'm just telling you what she's telling her mates.

CLIVE
Fuck's sake.

DEREK
Fuck's sake, fucking indeed.

CLIVE
I'll leave it until the morning then.

DEREK
A wise plan.

Derek notices that Clive has already passed out on the sofa.

DEREK
Fucking light weight.

Derek's eyes flicker. He yawns. He takes one final swig of vodka and then collapses onto the floor.

CUT TO -

EXT. A CHEMICAL TANKER IS PASSING THROUGH THE TOWN.

INT. INSIDE THE COCKPIT OF THE CHEMICAL TANKER.

Darryl & Alan are inside. Alan is driving.

DARRYL
I'm not saying I don't like the standby money. I'm saying I don't like the short notice.

ALAN
You can't have one without the other, you daft cunt.

DARRYL
It's fucking dodgy with a load like this though. A deadline of 2 in the fucking morning?

ALAN
We're well on our way to making that though. The base is only 20 minutes away.

DARRYL
Hang on, the sat nav is saying there's road works about here.

ALAN
Well, I don't see anything. Are you sure?

The tanker plunges into the hole previously guarded by the traffic cones and warning lights pilfered by the students.

The tanker cracks open. Gas visibly escapes. We follow plumes of gas as it slips under doors, through gaps in windows, and disappears up the nostrils of sleeping citizens.

One strand of gas winds it's way towards the houses of Clive & Brian.

INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM

The gas drifts in Brian's bedroom but cannot penetrate through his bubble.


INT. CLIVE'S LIVING ROOM

The gas surrounds Derek & Clive. Their snoring pushes the gas away from their mouths.

EXT. THE TOWN

The gas winds it's way towards the zoo. As it enters the gas briefly forms the words "ZOOmbies" and then enters the park.